Feb. 16: "Frankly, Rhett''

Although the presidential election did not go the way I wanted, I take a moment to salute the peaceful transfer of power.

Well, I assume that there was a transfer of power and I further assume that it was peaceful. I am not entirely sure, but I have seen no evidence to the contrary.

The student government elections at Mississippi State were held on Tuesday and I voted as a member of the (ill)-informed electorate.

I had been vaguely aware of the election for about two weeks now, even since I noticed the big banners draped from the houses on Fraternity and Sorority rows. By last week, I began to notice people wearing T-shirts advertising the two candidates for President – Rhett Hobart and Brad Hollinger.

It occurred to me that the two presidential candidates had spent some serious money in this campaign.

I figure each candidate probably distributed 200 to 300 T-shirts. They also had their own websites, brochures and, of course, those enormous banners I saw hanging from Fraternity Row. Those things cost big bucks, believe me, since they are not the sort of banners the cheerleaders used to make with big rolls of paper and colored markers in the gym after school.

At MSU, as it is with our state and national elections, you have to have financial muscle to make a run at the top spots, apparently.

There were five offices up for election: President, Vice President, Secretary, Treasurer and my personal favorite, Attorney General. All of the candidates had big banners hanging from sorority and fraternity houses, but I never saw any T-shirts for candidates who weren’t running for president.

Campaign signage on the campus proper is confined to a little patch of ground called a “Free Speech Zone’’ near the student union. By Tuesday, the day of the election, I noticed with great satisfaction that some enterprising anarchist had drawn moustaches and goatees on the big posters all the candidates in the Free Speech Zone.

I voted for Brad Hollinger for president and Courtney Harris for vice president. At MSU, the candidates for the two offices run separately. I am glad that doesn’t happen in our national elections because I believe that many Americans, facing the choice between Sarah Palin and Joe Biden may have committed suicide right there in the voting booth. So we avert a national tragedy by running the President and VP on the same ticket.

I say I voted for Brad Hollinger and Courtney Harris, but it would be more accurate to say that I voted against Rhett Hobart and Halston Hales (the VP winner) on the theory that anyone named “Rhett’’ or “Halston’’ should really be at Ole Miss. We just don’t have Rhetts or Halstons running around the campus of the People’s University. Or we shouldn’t.

I was willing to give both of those unfortunately-named candidates a benefit of the doubt on the theory that is no one should be held accountable for having a pretentious parent. But when I examined their platforms on their slick campaign brochures, I noted that all of the things were boring.

One of the candidates advocated a belief that “every student should have a voice in student government.’’ Well, I can’t say I could support that sort of thing. There are 19,000 students here. If everyone one of them had a voice in student government, it would be one hell of a racket, I’m thinking.

So the overall impression I got is that all of the candidates were really saying, “Look, dammit, the only thing I have on my resume’ right now is my summer job at Piggly Wiggly and two summers as a camp counselor. I NEED THIS!’’

So, in the absence of any real issues, I voted on the basis of names or, in the case where two co-eds competed, which one was hotter. I feel good about this and believe I have done my duty as a citizen.

I don’t remember who I voted for in the races for secretary, treasurer and attorney general, to be honest. I also don’t know who won.

I’m hoping it was the hot girls.

I did find the political process invigorating, though.

In fact, I may run for president next year. I have already picked a campaign slogan “51 Years of Experience!’’ Let’s see the Halstons of the world top THAT!

Of course, I have no “war chest’’ to speak of, so if you would like to make a donation, send me whatever money you can spare. It is not tax deductible and may not even be legal. I’ll have to check with the new MSU attorney general about that.

I think his name is Biff.