March 5: "The New Paradigm''

This post is a copy of a letter I sent to a friend this morning. It will likely produce one of two reactions: Eyes will roll from here to Arizona; or hearts will be warmed. Certainly, I hope it is the latter, but I have no control over that.

(In the letter that follows, I have used the name “Sally’’ to protect someone’s privacy. I chose Sally because I don’t know anyone by that name.)

M:

I had a great visit with my pastor yesterday. I pretty much laid out everything I could think of that’s happened over the past nine years, beginning with the break-up with my marriage.

I won’t go into details of what we talked about, other than to say that I walked out of there almost three hours later realizing that what I really need is a major paradigm shift.

Thanks to you, I realized that I have been lonely pretty much all my life, even when I was married, even when I was with Deb and Sally.

What I came to realize yesterday was that the relationship I was really lonely for all this time has been one with Jesus.

When I was saved in 2004, Jesus was almost like an accessory, in some respects, an add-on. He was a spoke in the wheel, rather than the hub, from which all other things emanate and have their proper context.

My pastor listened to me talk about how lonely I was, how desperately I wanted someone to share my life with. And he told me, very plainly, that it was a delusion – that in my current state even if I were to find someone, I would still be lonely. For God’s elect, contentment can’t really be found in relationships or possessions alone.

The reason for my loneliness, I am convinced, is that God is using it to draw me into a relationship that can fulfill my deepest desires: “Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these other things will be added unto you,’’ as it is written. I had had it in my mind that when I got the girl, then I would work on my relationship with Him. I had it all backwards, of course.

All these years, I sort of viewed Jesus as a means to an end: a way to get what I wanted, some sort of cosmic Santa Claus. Now, I believe that Jesus is the end himself, and everything that will come my way after are the real “accessories’’ of life.

Last night, I began to think that my relationship with Sally is a metaphor that God has used to show me something about Jesus’ desire for me.

I thought of how intense my desire for Sally was, how it was all-consuming, all I could think about., I thought about how happy I was to think of all the plans and dreams we had.

Then, I thought about the pain I felt when she dumped me, how hard it is has been to get her off my mind, how I still ache for her.

I thought, too, of how she said he still loved me – just not in “that way,’’ of how she said she wanted to stay in touch because she loved me, yet she rarely reached out to me and always seemed irritated when I tried to reach out to her.

I thought of the pain I felt when I learned that she with someone else now, someone I knew. How could she chose him over me? It was a thought that tortured me.

How painful all of this has been for me, as you know.

And I consider that in the metaphor, I have been “Sally” and Jesus has been “me.’’

He loves me and wants to have the closest kind of relationship with me and, for a time, we were close. But then I choose to pull back and make the relationship something different. Oh, I would say I loved Jesus, but I rarely wanted to be with him or talk to him and when he wanted to talk to me, I was irritated.

When I first got with Sally, I knew it was wrong in God's eyes. And I remember making a conscious choice to take Sally over Jesus. I am sure he wondered, too: "Why would he chose her over me?''

I do believe that I have broken His heart and that the pain I feel about Sally is, in some respect, similar to the pain he has felt about me. I have betrayed and rejected his wooing, even while claiming that I love him.

And just as I thought I would take Sally back, Jesus WILL take me back.

The difference is, of course, that my relationship with Jesus can only be a healthy one. My relationship with Sally can never be. It never was.

I am pretty sure that Jesus loves me more than I loved Sally. I believe my feelings for her were a deception. It should never have happened. It was wrong.

And while God did not ordain that relationship, he did permit it.

When his brothers came to Joseph to tell them how sorry they were for all the horrible things they had done to him, he said, “What you intended for harm, God used for good.’’

I believe the same can be said of my relationship with Sally. God can use even the wrong we do and turn it into something good.

This morning, at least, when I think of Sally there is no pain or longing. I believe I can let her go now. Maybe she will discover in herself what I am learning about myself. I hope so.

So I begin a new relationship, one that does for me what no other relationship has ever been able to do: I can be happy, truly happy.

As you know, the thought that I might never have that human companionship was a terror for me. Now, I think I can accept it, if that’s the way things turn out. I think I can be happy regardless of what the future holds, in fact.

I think it was St. Augustine who said of God, "the soul has no rests until it finds its rest in thee.'' I see it as a fact now.

I am not so naïve as to think that all the pain and fear is behind me. I know this is a process, that I’ll have ups and downs, setbacks and disappointments.

But in those moments where the pain over Sally emerges, I believe I can recognize that pain as nothing more than a a poor representation of the pain that Jesus felt over our broken relationship.

It’s a new and healthy way to deal with that pain, when it comes, as long as it comes.

I know, deep down, I am on the track toward the life God intended for me from the beginning of time.

All my life, I have been lonely for someone. I thought it was Susan or Deb or Sally or someone else, maybe. Now I know the person I was lonely for has been there all along. And he has been lonely for me, too. The idea alone is overwhelming.

I believe God used you first, and then my pastor to point me in the right direction.

I love you both for it!